have you ever?

looked in the mirror and thought, wow i’m really ugly this morning. my skin is too red, my teeth are too yellow, my tummy is too fat? have you ever gotten into the shower and wished your existence would just wash down the drain? have you ever thought, if only i’d made a different decision, if only i’d done this instead, if only i’d never said that? have you ever wondered, am i the only one that feels this way? do other people have these thoughts?

we tell people “you wouldn’t understand” and “you would have to go through what i went through”

but we don’t know what they’ve been through and they don’t know what we’ve been through, so all we do is build up fortresses around our hearts and cages around our minds. we belittle others’ struggles in an attempt to protect ourselves from our own. we separate ourselves from the very people who can understand the way our minds tick.

tick, tick, tick.

time seems to pass so fast and so paradoxically slow. we wake up and go to our jobs and wish the time would go by quickly. we wish it would waste away until we could be free. but are we free, after we punch the clock? free from bills, from that stubborn stain on your favorite shirt, from the dishes in the sink, from the efforts we owe to the people we love?

it’s exhausting, being alive. so many things to do in so few hours and so few days. so little money, for so many adventures. so many people to please, and to help, and to learn from. sometimes i put too much energy into loving other people that i forget to save some love for myself. but then i have to remind myself that love is not finite, and to define it as such would be an injustice. there is enough love in my soul for all people, for all things, for all places, and for myself. but it’s hard to prioritize that, and i still make mistakes. sometimes i hurt people and i feel riddled with guilt. but my guilt can’t un-say words, and it can’t un-raise my voice. so i have to ask for forgiveness from the people i hurt and try to forgive myself.

i want to leave a piece of my heart in so many places. i want to say beautiful things and see beautiful places with unfiltered eyes. i want to learn things, not just math problems and historical dates. i want to learn to find peace in my most broken, painful moments. i want to learn to embrace people without projecting my own insecurities onto them. i want to learn to be gracious, and humble, and gentle.

i want to be able to say, have you ever? instead of, you wouldn’t understand.

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